The Root Problem of David C. Pack
October 29, 2022 | by Marc Cebrian
David C. Pack, the Pester General of The Restored Church of Another god, teaches biblical nonsense on the Scoville scale equal to a Trinidad Moruga Scorpion (2,009,231 SHU).
His biblical self-ordinations began with declaring himself an apostle in 2005. Then, he was Joshua the High Priest of Zechariah 3 in 2009. Since he was not met with resistance by the ministers or the members of RCG, it left the bathroom door cracked open for more wild assertions.
In 2015, he self-assigned the title of Elijah, who also later became That Prophet. He got away with that one, too. As the years rolled on, so did the frequency of David C. Pack seeing himself in the Bible. He is now mentioned almost as much as Jesus Christ, but do not get too excited because some Old Testament passages are really talking about the Father. Jesus Christ was the “Old Testament Spokesman” Who did not get to say a whole lot.
Just this week, Dave announced another false-start appearance of the imperceptible 1335 of Daniel and that his speaking on the wrong day of Tishrei 30, indeed, fulfilled prophecy.
The man can throw the Bible on the floor, let it flop open, then toss a dart from across the room, and it will land on a passage that is referencing him. Why would God need anyone else alive today to do anything for His Work when David C. Pack can handle it himself?
What is the origin of David C. Pack's belief that he is throughout the Bible? How does he convince himself that his verbal flatulating fulfills prophecy?
He has admitted that neither God nor an angel has told him thus. And yet, it is so self-evident that proving his words to anyone is a waste of time. The members "just gotta believe" because once he “proved” he was God’s Apostle, the sky’s the limit. (5% of Herbert W. Armstrong’s corpse is praising God that there was no internet in his day.)
I have a theory as to where his mindset comes from.
To avoid a choking hazard, readers are encouraged to stop drinking for just a moment.
We are all products of our childhood. Our parents had a tremendous influence on who we became. Some had to overcome severe abuse, while others were instilled with strong moral values and an emphasis on character.
A plausible theory is postulated:
David C. Pack was overly encouraged during his potty training.
You may resume drinking. With caution.
Positive reinforcement is a vital teaching tool to motivate children to doodie into the toilet instead of their pants. Maybe his parents went too far.
His dad would have been a critical element in sculpting a future prophecy know-it-all. He told him that only real men doodie in the toilet, not in their pants. Pack men were known for having brilliant doodies, and someday, he will doodie as wonderfully as his ancestors who fought in the Civil War. Those were strong men of courage. And they could doodie on their own.
Little Davey took it to heart.
The child David C. Pack captured that inspiration and was so successful at enduring what the Klingons call "The Rite of MajQa," that he understood from then on that he was destined for greatness.
His mother praised him that he was “such a good boy” for making the doodie in the toilet and not in his pants. A Revelation Anvil fell out of the sky and pounded a notion into little Davey’s head that he possessed special abilities.
Perhaps that process lingered on for longer than it should have since Dave still thirsts for accolades today. Maybe he even pretended to need training longer than was necessary just so he could hear more of his mother telling him how strong and amazing his doodies were.
Adolescent David C. Pack became proud. Even of his own doodies. Encouraged by his smiling mother. Inspired by his approving father. But they were just doing what all parents do with all their children: Train your child to doodie in the toilet and not in their pants.
We cannot blame Randall or “Grammar” Pack for what would become of their son. He took a process that every person goes through and found uniqueness in his own existence inside the grand scheme of Creation.
If only this enlightening philosophical expose was in print at the time of David C. Pack’s childhood! First published in Japan in 1981, the book written by Taro Gomi rose to be an international sensation.
Had little boy Davey understood what he was accomplishing upon the porcelain throne was not greatness, but a common bodily function that even snails perform, maybe he would not see himself as an apostle today.
That book could have spared thousands of individuals years of suffering if published forty years earlier. "People person" David C. Pack would have learned how to doodie in the toilet and not in his pants and that it was not a sign of biblical significance.
Empowered by his magnificent doodies, the adult David C. Pack has constructed the mindset that if his doodies are this important, undoubtedly, his words must be doubly so. Add religion into the mix, and you have a doodie cocktail ready to explode. What do you know? David C. Pack is all throughout the Bible!
For those stuck inside RCG, the next time David C. Pack explains how he is the “David” in the Old Testament, imagine your Pester General sitting upon this throne, and it will bring a smile to your ungrateful, sullen face.
The birthplace of “The Greatest Untold Story!” Series.
When you are tempted to be awed by his mere presence, remember that Pester General David C. Pack sits on that very spot (at least) once a day. If “all is well” gastronomically speaking and his fiber and coffee intake are “right on track.”
Remember that his words are not dipped in gold. His doodies are not dipped in gold. His doodies are not apostolic. His doodies are not Elijahn. His doodies are not foretold.
He is just another man with goofy ideas that figured out a creative way to swindle your retirement savings so he could buy more trees. The only profound doodie is resting between his ears.
The heart-breaking tragedy of this story is that David C. Pack was ahead of his time. It took almost seventy years for his superior doodie-making talents to be fully appreciated by the general masses due to the advent of the interwebs, where he now shines as bright as that artificial sun the Chinese launched into the atmosphere this week.
Yet, he continues to brag how he has passed more doodies than anyone who has ever lived. He has studied doodies more than anyone in The Worldwide Church of God. He can doodie in his sleep and never even needs to pick up the toilet paper. He can compose a list of the types of doodies he has produced without stopping because the memories come to him faster than he can write them down.
He is an idiot-savant when remembering every doodie by name, with dates to boot. That is not arrogance. He is just built that way, brethren. If it were not for the tireless efforts of his talented and inexperienced assistants, The Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy, his doodies could not have been made so plain to the brethren inside RCG in just seven years.
All the toilets he ever knew or even heard of have nothing but wonderful things to say about his outstanding doodies. They were privileged and honored to accept his doodies. They are prime examples of his power, authority, and clarity. No one else on the face of the earth can doodie as David C. Pack can. It is just a fact.
Standard RCG protocol when in the presence of the Chief Doodie Maker includes:
• You must refer to him as "Mr. Pack" because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
• You must wait for him to initiate a handshake because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
• You must stop speaking when he is talking because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
• You must not take a picture of him wearing a short-sleeved shirt because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
• You must be grateful for the knowledge he blesses you with because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
A “Leadership and Protocol” class in Ambassador Center is required if you work at Headquarters that teaches you such things. Because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
David C. Pack is such an exceptional person, it is hard to fathom that he EVER doodied in his pants and NOT in the toilet. He will turn 74 this December. Has the process he once mastered begun to reverse? Accounts from reliable sources are inconsistent and, therefore, inconclusive.
It is better to think of him the way he was in his prime. Making doodies in the toilet and not in his pants. After all, that will be his true legacy.
You may think this is complete satire. It is not. This would answer many questions regarding, "What is wrong with this man?”
He was trained as a child to doodie in the toilet and not in his pants. Interestingly enough, what comes out of both his ends today are equally pleasing and have the same value.
What is the actual origin of the ranting of a biblical fraud? Hard to say for sure.
My David C. Pack doodie theory will hold until proven otherwise.
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
I know this because I doodie in the toilet, not my pants.
