The Biblical Accordion
November 27, 2022 | by Marc Cebrian
The accordion is a musical instrument that sucks in air and blows out air. It expands and contracts. You play the keyboard with one hand and press buttons with the other. “Weird Al” Yankovic made a world-famous career playing it, and now David C. Pack of The Restored Church of God is following suit.
"Weird Al" rose to the top creating parodies of popular songs. David C. Pack sinks to the bottom creating parodies of prophetic understanding.
No one else in the history of the Church of God is more "it is," "it is not," "it is," "it is not," and “beginning of the month," "middle of the month," "beginning of the month," "middle of the month," than David C. Pack. We are privileged to witness in our lifetime the biblical accordion played by a human-sized buffoon wearing a tie that we must call “Mister.”
The impossible-to-fathom-it-really-happened “The Greatest Unending Story! (Part 406)” was given to an unimpressed audience on the Sabbath of November 26, 2022. Some RCG brethren are choosing to opt-out of watching it. The Member Services tracking numbers will prove that. Dave is not the ratings superstar he once was.
Following the established church tradition of "it is the end," "it is not the end," "it is the end," "it is not the end," this quick reminder is from ten days prior.
Part 405 – November 16, 2022
@ 00:52 The Series will be over. So, because of timing, I think we all know that this could readily be called “Final Part Number 405.”
The hireling enablers on the third floor at the Hall of Administration had to roll up the Series Checkered Flag and return it to the storage closet. But they are used to that by now.
Since the Grand Poobah Thanksgiving Failure of 2022 occurred on Kislev 1 this past Thursday, Dave has moved to the middle of the month to keep his fantasy construct together, just placing it on a different square of the game board. He laid the groundwork for a new date with a series of Prophecy Updates.
If you reread the latest update, the new 57 minutes of clarity erases what that announcement erased.
Prophecy Update – Thursday, November 24, 2022
This puts our watch day-to-day, which always leaves us more comfortable. We know this much, it can't go past the halfway mark in Kislev.
The watch is no longer day-to-day, meaning they are less comfortable again. The halfway mark IS the new big deal, not just up to it. Maybe Dave’s head cleared up once he digested the turkey, gravy, and beer from the ungrateful, commandment-breaking Thanksgiving supper.
Skipping ahead to what everyone wants to know: Did Dave set a new date, and was he clear about it? Was there waffling or wishy-washy language?
You tell me. You can watch it or read it.
Part 406 – November 26, 2022
@ 42:33 And on God’s authority, I’m gonna tell you what [Luke12:39] means. And this is critical.@ 43:50 We’re in the right month. So, if he [Dave, the good man of the house] had known the exact time the way God has revealed it, he would tell the church, and I’m doing that now. It’s about twelve days and some additional hours at 9:35 AM on Friday, December 9th, Jerusalem time, which is sundown at 4:35 PM. That's when you will look like Christ. Period. Or the Bible means something different. God has countermanded His word…
@ 51:22 You’re blessed [salvation] exactly fifteen days before billions walk in white and the rest of the 144,000 are settled.
@ 53:50 Just like Zechariah 14:7 and other places, when God arrives in Jerusalem on the Day of the Lord at exactly sunset on December 24th with all saints who receive eternal life then. Call it Christmas Eve. On December 9th at the exact same moment, 9:35 AM our time, fifteen days earlier, the moment of sunset in Jerusalem that begins Kislev 16 and the exact mid-point of the month, certain others will receive salvation either first or second.
He is pretty declarative during his 57 minutes. Before you tremble in fear at his awesomeness, remember his terrible habit of being sure about everything that later proves false.
Part 403 – November 5, 2022
@ 04:58 And we’re gonna take a look at why I can say November with certainty.Part 405 – November 16, 2022
@ 1:34:37 Now, if it is not this Sabbath, I don’t understand Luke 12, Matthew 24. I don't understand the math. And I don't understand Zechariah or Habakkuk 2. I don't understand how all of those verses point to he's [Elijah] gonna speak on the Sabbath, but it isn't. The Sabbath is never used for any of the Kingdoms.@ 1:38:05 It makes perfect sense. For the first time in my 56 ½ years of studying prophecy, it all makes perfect sense. Simple.
Need I go back further?
Dave spent thirty minutes proving that when the Bible says someone is “blessed” it means “salvation.” That is the big reveal from Part 406. Shush. Do not tell anyone I told you.
Now that the skimmers are satisfied, they can go back to posting pictures of their cats sleeping.
At the beginning of the message, Dave opened with the obvious despite being wrong for the last 405 Parts of the Series.
@ 00:27 We should all know by now that Kislev is the month we’ve been looking for.
@ 00:59 We should all know by now this is fulfilled in 2022. You know the many reasons. Both month and year should be absolutely settled in your mind.
Maybe not as settled as Tammuz 1 or Cheshvan 1 or Thanksgiving, but settled for sure.
In an astounding parallel, Dave describes an aspect of the apostasy in The Worldwide Church of God thirty years ago without connecting it to the apostasy today in The Restored Church of God.
There are folks inside RCG right now…I have been talking to them…that experience exactly what Dave describes.
@ 01:16 About thirty years ago, I began to be really concerned that I could not remain in The Worldwide Church of God much longer.
The number of defections inside RCG is increasing. Concern is a mild way to describe the horrific conditions I hear about. Some details are shocking, even to me. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. Some are taking the steps needed to realize they cannot remain inside RCG because God has not remained inside RCG.
There is a spirit of fear and confusion, and distress. The days of shining faces and sparkling eyes are over in RCG. To stay is to continue to endure the anguish of heart and mind.
@ 01:38 And I knew that the church was going off a cliff and they were moving toward Christmas.
RCG started going off the cliff in a significant way in 2015 when David C. Pack self-elected himself Elijah the Prophet and then, later, That Prophet. Jesus Christ just wasn’t cutting it anymore.
It is ironic that Dave is teaching the brethren to anticipate Christmas Eve as the time when God will give them salvation. Wow. Dave was concerned about Christmas thirty years ago, and folks inside RCG are concerned about Christmas today. An apostasy then. An apostasy now.
And Dave is blind to it all. What the implications are. What it all really means. Are you RCG zealots looking forward to Christmas this year more than any other? Post it on social media and see how fast your field minister or the lady-minders jump on that.
If I were the devil, I would want everyone in God’s way to joyfully anticipate Christmas. I would want people to consider December 24/25 forever the most blessed day of their existence.
Santa really is a type of Christ. The pagans and the Catholics were right, after all.
@ 01:49 I was extremely careful who I talked to because I knew I could be reported, so I had to move carefully to buy as much time as I could to help as many as I could.
RCG is a snitcher colony. The caution the brethren have to exercise is mounting. Who to trust and who to avoid. Say one wrong thing to the wrong person, and you are out. You cannot talk to your minister. You cannot talk to your brethren. Some are even worried about how to approach their spouse. It all has to be done with care. What an awful way to live. It has gotten much worse since I left.
The Bible is alive before their face, and they are afraid to talk about it. This is the current environment of RCG.
Brethren, you are not alone. There are more like you than the ministry wants you to think.
Later in the message, Dave revamped his fear tactics for those considering leaving.
@ 52:03 When I watch people just stand up and violently commit suicide and leave and go to the devil's world, I say, "Man, this is hard. What’s wrong with them?” They take hold of death with both hands earnestly, and they're sitting right here ready to go first. So, I mean, you do have to hold on. It's bad out there.
It’s worse in there.
Leaving RCG is equated to violent suicide. And something is wrong with them.
David C. Pack and the enablers at Headquarters, including the Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy, are what is wrong. Prophetic fraud. Doctrinal instability. Blasphemy. Confusion. Lies. Heresy. That is what is wrong with them, Dave. They can no longer stomach witnessing your poison. Their spirit is sore vexed.
God is making the truth so plain it cannot be denied. He is not a part of what RCG is doing. He is not a part of what David C. Pack is teaching. There is a growing spirit of darkness, and it is making people ill.
They do not want to leave. But they know they must. Fleeing is the only sane option.
@ 25:21 And I wish I had seen this. It would’ve been clearer because I’ve resolved everything, brethren. Everything.
No matter how resolved everything is, as December 9 approaches, so will the wiggle room.
Maybe now would be an uncomfortable time to bring this up.
Part 403 – November 6, 2022
@ 03:03 Every last bit of that picture was settled and still is settled. As I said last time, this framework can no longer change. It’s settled. We can trust all the scriptures that hold it in place.
The accordion plays a different tune each time Dave speaks. Something is settled. Then unsettled. Something is resolved, then unresolved. Something is simple but requires more clarity.
Your eyes and ears do not deceive you, folks. David C. Pack is not a man of his word.
@ 30:12 We're gonna go read a verse, and we’re gonna understand it correctly for the first time.
Dave is talking about the 1335 days of Daniel 12:12. In 2011, the 8-part sermon "The 1335 Days of the Son of Man" sold the idea to RCG members that they understood that correctly for the first time. I challenge current members to check in the Sermon Library of Member Services to see if you still have access to those messages. The answer is NO.
The point is: In 2011, Dave thought he had it all figured out. Eleven years later, he is pitching the same story using his biblical accordion to play you a tune you are paying dearly for.
But that is okay because salvation comes at sunset to start the 1335.
@ 45:35 Don’t go to dawn. It’s at evening. Or the Bible isn’t true.
Dave has been playing the Either/Or Game for years. He is correct, or the Bible is wrong. Or God is wrong. It cannot possibly be that he has no idea what he is talking about, God is not guiding him, and he is utterly unqualified to preach to anyone. That never seems to be considered.
@ 45:41 Or, you could still say, “Well, Mr. Pack, maybe you’re gonna come back in a few days and tell us that the 1335 is a second group ‘cause we thought maybe there were two Kingdoms in there.” Well, we’re gonna hafta dispel some things.
Dave is projecting internal criticisms manifested as external sources. He knows he will change his teaching in a few days or a few weeks because that is his custom. He is aware that the brethren are aware. Awkward…
They have good reason to doubt. He just taught that the 1335 did not apply to them after telling them they made it a few weeks earlier. The same accordion is playing the same sour notes.
@ 54:32 So, brethren, I’m pretty sure you all know how this is gonna end.
Ooh. Ooh. Pick me. Pick me. Me Me. Me.
Ahem. It is not gonna end well. David C. Pack is gonna fail again. December 9 will come and go with not so much as a sneeze, biblically speaking. There will be an update announcement just before the deadline to wish-away expectations and erase emphatic declarations that will only prove that Dave was right about knowing it was wrong.
It is gonna end with more headaches for the RCG ministry and more distress for the RCG brethren. It is gonna end with more exit letters. And more shame for the entire COG community.
It is gonna end with God’s name being further blasphemed. Dave better pray that God has more patience than Popeye.
Maybe I am just being a Negative Nancy. But Dave has a more optimistic view.
@ 54:37 So, relief and peace begins now. But, there’s actually more relief and peace to learn that continues Tuesday with a massive support proof and other fascinating things we will learn. I mean fascinating.
There is no relief and peace inside RCG. No relief and peace at Headquarters. No relief and peace inside the Third Floor Executive Imaginarium. No relief and peace for the field ministers. No relief and peace for the brethren.
That statement was the source of guffaws and snickers all over the world. The man is so out of touch with reality you could almost feel sorry for him. For me, that time has passed.
Just before the end, Dave threw a prophetic curveball that caught my ears regarding Part 407.
@ 57:01 Now, I’m gonna explain things like I’m rushing right now, but it is not the rushing of Habakkuk 2:2, which I’ve come to understand.
He has been droning about that verse for years. I cannot help but wonder if he FINALLY read my article from August covering that. If he teaches my explanation of what it really means, I will cry laughing. Pretty please, Dave. Use my reasoning so I can print it out and send it to my mom.
The biblical accordion will continue playing with a promised "avalanche" of "massive proof" that will end the Series on Tuesday. Fat chance. It is. It is not. It is. It is not.
Learning from “Weird Al” Yankovic did not go as well as he thought.
David C. Pack has become an accordion-playing parody of himself. And that is not funny.
