August 7, 2022 | by Marc Cebrian

Av 7 came and went without Chinese nukes landing on the White House lawn. That was Thursday for those who do not care.

But this might be the end times, folks. Something HUGE has occurred this weekend and it needs your immediate attention. Race to Costco to stock up on toilet paper and imported beer.

David C.raptacular Pack has gone silent! The Pastor General of The Restored Church of God, our resident Elijah/Not Elijah/Maybe Elijah, is a no-show at this most crucial time in God’s plan.

Tonight at sunset begins Av 10, also known as the “not-really-a-50-day-count to Trumpets” epic craptacular. If you want to calculate it from Jerusalem, that would be at 12:30 P.M. eastern time.

Yet again, I embarrassed myself publicly when I wrote on August 3rd:

As a non-prophet/non-psychic, I predict Dave will speak either Friday afternoon or on the Sabbath. He will not get to Monday without commenting…if he is feeling particularly defeated, he will…compose a bloated “Prophetic Update” in Member Services.

That son of a bitch screwed me on all counts. I will never achieve my GoFundMe goals now.

As of this morning, there has been dead silence inside RCG. How can this be after such a build-up in Member Services?

Wednesday, August 4, 2022
Dear brethren,
Please note that Mr. Pack plans to deliver a Bible Study tomorrow, Thursday, August 4 in the afternoon.
There’s a slight change to what we learned in Part 386 that will be explained in a short message tomorrow. All is well!
We will let you know once the message is available in Member Services.
Warm regards,
Church Administration

I laughed out loud when I read "a slight change” because I now understand RCG-speak much better in my old age.  “A slight change” is a few paragraphs to you and me. It is far more than “slight” if Dave wanted to populate the Main Hall and record it on video.

For perspective, if he were to shift a prophesied biblical occurrence even one day, that would be like moving the Passover “just one day” or worshiping on Sunday rather than on the Sabbath. What’s the big deal? It’s just one day…

When God writes something in His word, it stands. No words come back to Him void. Dave likes to remake the soup after it has been served. It is too late now, bro. And way too salty.

“All is well!” Baloney. That is RCG spin like putting a smiley face at the end of the “I accidentally ran over your cat” note you find on your front door. If all were truly well under the context, Jesus Christ would be here and Elijah the Prophet would be announcing God’s arrival to the world right now.

But instead, this happened.

Thursday, August 5, 2022
Dear brethren,
Please note that the Bible Study earlier scheduled to hold today has now been postponed.
Mr. Pack looks forward to sharing with you the additional items that will bring completion to the understanding we currently have coming off Part 386.
We will let you know when the new date is confirmed.
Church Administration

Notice the singular “a slight change” has evolved into “additional items” in less than 24 hours. Due to the complexity and transformative nature of those “additional items,” Dave is nowhere near close enough to understanding his own delusions to torture the church with it.

He is in quite the pickle now and is not going to “bring completion” to anything, ever. This machine cannot stop.

The “new date” was open-ended. During my time in Media Production Services, when a World to Come broadcast schedule kept being pushed and eventually received the “when a new date is confirmed” status, it either went for days or weeks or never.

How Dave must now long for the month of Tammuz. Av is so much worse for him and we are barely 10 days in.

It is like when you thought your ex-girlfriend was awful, but this new girlfriend is the real horror show. It gets you to thinking, "Maybe I didn't appreciate my ex as much as I should have." But your closest friends all say, "Get away from them. They are both not good for you.”

Dave, Av is not good for you. Tammuz was not good for you, either. In fact, you have had a string of losing months this year. Perhaps you should delete your “HebrewMonthLover48” account from Tinder and just reflect on you.

As a non-prophet/non-psychic, I am guessing that RIGHT NOW Dave has locked himself inside the Third Floor Executive Imaginarium with The Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy to compose a message for posting in Member Services before sunset today.

Because Dave is reading my blog and now doing the opposite of what I predict, then…um…David C. Pack will NOT give me $100k. Guaranteed.

If he screws me again by remaining silent until tomorrow, then I recommend you declare me a non-non-prophet/non-non-psychic. Oh wait, that would mean I’m a true one. Never mind.

All is well!