August 4, 2022 | by Marc Cebrian

Fully grasping the biblical madness inside David C. Pack’s mind is not a healthy thing for anyone to attempt. While unable to connect to the motivations behind how he operates, there are clear patterns that are easy-peasy to follow and anticipate.

Here is how Dave operates:

• Friday is on the calendar. Friday is coming. Friday is near.

• On Sunday morning, Dave reads the Bible and perceives that something is occurring on Friday. It does not specifically say Friday, but the verses “suggest” Friday.

• He calls Brad. He has The Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy come to his house on their one day off.

• Dave gets all excited. God is showing him Friday!

• On Monday, he pulls all the ministers into a 4-hour Bible study. They all agree. Friday is on!

• On Tuesday, Dave puts the staff on high alert. A most-important message is to be delivered.

• The staff is pulled into the Main Hall and learn how certain Friday is. It was all throughout the scriptures and they never saw it until it was God’s time to reveal it to His apostle. Is he telling for foretelling? Not sure. But, there is no other way to read it. It’s inarguable. It’s impossible for it to be any other day. Send in your Common because Friday is it, folks!

• Dave walks to the elevator and already feels uncomfortable.

• Wednesday morning he leaps out of his kitchen chair, stunned. Something we missed.

• He sits in Brad’s office for 90-minutes talking about how Thursday is REALLY what God was showing him. Those f***ing translators screwed him again.

• All the ministers agree. Thursday is on!

• Dave delivers an emergency Wednesday message declaring how much better and simpler Thursday is. The French and Spanish brethren will miss out, but no biggie. Is it a coincidence that he learned about Thursday right before it happened? Why would God show him on Sunday how important Thursday was? Would God make the church wait a whole week for Thursday to come around again? It has to be this Thursday. The series is over.

• Dave goes home Wednesday night and already knows nothing is gonna happen on Thursday.

• Thursday morning, he tells all the ministers and the ladies in the hallway nothing is going to happen today.

• He crafts a hastily worded “Prophetic Update” with The Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy that is posted in Member Services. Dave does not have time to give another message that Friday is back on. He tells everyone he can on the third floor how Friday is really it and he should have kept to his original thought because the Holy Spirit led him to see Friday.

• Friday comes and goes. Friday night, Dave sees something we missed. Again.

• On Saturday afternoon, Dave pulls Brad, The Coffee Kid, and Pepper Boy out of Sabbath services by sneaking through the kitchen door after the sermonette so they can study the new Mystery of God. They sneak back in through the kitchen door a moment before the sermon is over. "We were here the whole time, everyone."

• Dave talks about his new theory at the dinner table to a group of expressionless human wooden posts. Later, he creates a circle of chairs at the back of the hall so that “key ministers” can sit around him and discuss for a few more hours. All the ministers agree.

• On Sunday morning, Dave reads the Bible and perceives something is occurring on Saturday.

Rinse and repeat.